The Diary of a Lover

By Teegan

I loved him. I still do. It’s hard for me to accept the fact that we have to be apart. This is a cross I cannot bear to carry. What did I do to deserve this? They say love is pain. Well, I believe pain breeds hate. They say if you love someone, let them go. Well, letting go isn’t easy is it? Surely whoever said that was not in love.

Why did I allow myself to get so close to him? Now all I know is anguish. He left me, and there is no hope that he will ever come back. How do I find peace when my whole life revolved around him? He was my everything, there wasn’t a day I spent without him, either by his side or in contact with him in some way. He smiled like a baboon and kissed me all over whenever he woke up next to me. He called me to lift up his spirits whenever he was stressed on his work trips. All that is gone now, what’s left is a broken heart that can never be mended, my poor porcelain heart. I am crushed. My whole world has fallen apart. This world has shown me how unforgiving it can be at this crucial phase of my life. I wish I could turn back time and stay in his arms a little longer. Hold on to him a little long, feel his tender touch and smell his warmth. Or grab his ears and snuggle his nose. I wish I had held his hand on every walk we took down Alley Street, the avenue where they sell all kinds of romantic knickknacks and antiques, instead of bickering like we did sometimes. I wish so many things could have been different, I could have tried harder.

All those hours that we spent mad at each other and not speaking, could they be the reason he left? He did love me, I never doubted that. But just before he left, things weren’t the same. That cheerful laugh and sly smile was gone. He was very withdrawn and couldn’t even hold a conversation with me for more than five minutes. He worked longer hours and those walks in the park started to feel like a chore. Even our date nights did. Was he having an affair? Had he met someone better? My heart sinks at the thought. I thought I was enough, and I tried, I really did. I mean, we all have flaws but he knew I’d given up everything for him. I loved him and tried to show him at every moment I could, that is, when my selfish emotions didn’t get in the way. I admit I wasn’t easy at times, but I always found a way to make things work and to move on from any setbacks. He would try too. I loved the way he would try to make things right between us. When I threw a tantrum, his caring and compassionate character would be put to the test, but he would emerge victorious. Every single time. How could I not fall for that? An understanding, loving man. It was his fault for making me fall this bad for him, now I don’t know what to do or where to start now that he’s gone.

I don’t think he’d had an affair, he loved me too much. At least I believe he respected me enough not to have one. We had been married for ten years, surely it meant something to him? It meant the world to me. Should I dig through the papers he left behind? No, I shouldn’t, I’d only be hurting myself. He is gone, at the very least I should hold on to the good memories. In the state I’m in, I’ll most likely be irrational and work myself up over something that’s not as bad as I’d make it seem. I need to take a break from thinking about this. What did I do wrong? Lord, what have I done to deserve this? What could I have done better? I should have been more understanding when he’d had a bad day. I’d still shove my personal needs in his face regardless. Maybe I’m a bad person and that’s why he left me.

I’m going to hold on to him, I can’t imagine a life without him. If I can’t have him in this life anymore, I can have him in my dreams. Such a beautiful man with a kind, wonderful soul. The loss of our three-year-old daughter completely shattered my world. Not to the extent that it shattered his, he blamed himself for it. He felt that his drug addiction might have affected our baby’s health, but that was way before we even met, and he even went to therapy. Our baby girl came into the world with chronic respiratory complications that fluctuated from week to week. My heart sank the moment the doctor mentioned that her left lung had collapsed, during her last episode. They had to keep her on ventilation till she passed on. I watched her wither in front of my very eyes. Nothing can surpass the pain of losing your own child…

I believe the Lord gives, and He also takes away. I still hold on to the beautiful years we had with our baby. Our loss left a hole in my heart, and now he wants to finish off what’s left? I am in pain and I don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe I should do what he did as well, try to leave.

It had been a year and a half since our daughter passed. I thought he had stopped mourning. He didn’t speak about her at all. I coped better thanks to the community group I go to every Wednesday. Opening up to people who have also experienced so much pain made me have a positive outlook and helped me to be a bit more understanding of our situation. Now losing him as well is something I don’t think I am ready to live with. I can’t. Maybe he was withdrawn because he started using again? Relapsing, that’s what they call it. Or he was trying to kill himself. God, I don’t know now. The doctor said that he’s in a vegetative coma, and the likelihood of him lasting two months is minimal. Now I also have to watch him die…

This cup of pain, I can no longer bear to drink from it. What have I done to deserve this? It feels like all I’ve known these past few months is pain. I can’t take it anymore. My friends and family come to comfort me, but I can see it in their eyes that they don’t understand the pain that I’m going through. Does he understand the pain he is causing me? Such a selfless man, but what he did was anything but a selfless act, hence why we’re here. Did he even think about me when he started on diamorphine again? Okay let me not make this more complicated than it is. I will try for once to be less selfish and a bit more understanding.

I guess he had demons that he never opened up about and stuff he never dealt with. I thought he was fine all this time, but sadly I was wrong. Every morning he would always smile, he’d always work hard to provide for us, and he was always there for his family and mine. He was everyone’s shoulder to cry on, and he was my pillar of strength. I remember the encouragement that he gave me when I took up professional baking and the support he provided when I started going to the gym. What did I miss? Maybe I should have encouraged him to open up more? But everything seemed okay for the most part, apart from the aloofness that he blamed on work. I should have let him spend more time with his friends when he asked to, maybe he would have opened up to them? I doubt that, well regardless I should have done more. I’ll try not to blame myself for all this, I’ll try to be hopeful.

I keep praying that he comes back to me even though the doctor says there’s no hope. I need him, even though he might think I don’t. I’m going to try to stay positive, because what are my options? If it doesn’t work out the way I want it to, I will be at his bedside until he passes. I will hold on to the short-lived happiness I had with him. But I’m hopeful that he will improve and that we will have a shot at this again. My heart is sad and I haven’t been myself for weeks, but I guess these are some of the trials in life. It wasn’t meant to be smooth sailing, so I’ll hold on tight to the rigging. I always try to be grateful and to count my blessings.

Love has brought me pain, but I shall not ignore what love has given me. It gave me happiness, and at one point a sense of belonging and purpose. I have also learnt not to take time for granted as I never thought any of this would happen. Some of the curveballs that life throws us are a reminder that we have a limited time on this earth. We must love like there’s no tomorrow, and cherish the positive moments and accomplishments. At least that is what had kept me going until now. I won’t stop loving this man because that’s all I know, till death do us part, and even after death. He has left me, but I believe that he will come back to me.

28 April, 2023