Me and I

By Ruvimbo

I lost myself trying not to lose other people
They say that true desire in the heart for anything good for others is God’s proof to you sent beforehand to indicate that it’s yours already
I stuck to this principle, waiting for vindication against my adversaries
Is it that no one ever had a “true desire” for goodness to happen in my life?

I did so much to keep those around me happy while behind closed doors,I struggled with panic attacks
Drowning in water whilst ensuring the comfort of those I supported like the poles supporting the decks on the shores of the Haiti waters
Left vulnerable to experience the waves of the ever present earthquake
And to those I supported, I was just a fortune at the bottom of the pyramid
I wiped people’s tears whilst I was called a cry baby whenever I let out my own
A man should never cry right?
Tears obliterate your masculinity which is the only thing that gives you “relevance” in this life they say

I gave so much of myself to people who wouldn’t do the same for me
I pretended to be someone I wasn’t and never did the things I loved
I always put people before myself
I always went an extra mile for people yet they didn’t even acknowledge it
I was always expected to stay and they pulled me down whenever I tried to stand up for myself
I have no idea who I am and what I’m doing
I’m stuck and lost

Like a germinating seed, I was hardened
I will fight no matter how dark it is around me,
I will find those scattered pieces of myself, put them back together and know them
The fault lies not in the stars but in myself to take responsibility
Losing hope is not much of an option,I serve a living God and one day I will testify about this!

11 November, 2023