I was always a reserved person, but especially so when I studied at Mary’s Kitende Entebbe. I only interacted with my fellow students to ask them to explain class material to me.
I spent many hours a day in my silent zone, cut off from people, calls, text messages… I don’t see myself as an angry person, but the closer I get to others, the more attached I become, and then I risk being hurt and disappointed. It’s a protection mechanism, so I don’t get my heart broken. It’s not always about relationships with others though, but about so many little things my heart keeps accumulating. Maybe friends who get tired of me, and I overhear them saying “the parasite is coming our way,” when I walk by, or they hide whatever they’re eating or drinking just because I asked them once or twice for something to eat.
I keep ignoring these things by smiling and laughing, but at the same time, my soul screams that it’s too much to handle. And then I give up. I give up on trying to be happy all the time. My acceptance comes in the form of silence. I try to keep it all inside, I don’t go to people and share my problems or ask for anything because I don’t want to be seen as a burden or parasite.
I don’t know what exactly is bothering me. But so many things converge, and everything becomes a big, complicated mess. How can I explain it to you when I don’t understand it myself? Sometimes, I get stressed at school when I don’t understand what the teacher is saying, and sometimes by the comments of students during lunch break. At first, these comments don’t seem to bother me, but when I’m alone I can’t stop thinking about them, until I don’t know any more what exactly is bothering me. I don’t understand it. That’s how fragile I am.
The only thing I can do is take time for my soul to breathe, to heal. I can’t just run to the mountains in search of peace, so I go through this phase at home. I try to act normal, but I also try not to interact with others too much. I need that space, that emotional detachment for some time.
I kind of enjoy these periods of silence, it’s time for myself to just breathe peacefully, without the daily madness of people around me. The business of life and all the complaints about me don’t bother me as much. It’s good to not experience that stress from time to time. Maybe it’s selfish. But I know I need to. Otherwise, I’ll go insane. It has worked like magic many times and I’ve learned so much about who I am.
I know now what kind of person I am, what I like, and what I want from life. These are insights I wouldn’t have gotten, had I not taken the moments of silence, and spent the whole day jumping from one thing to another, worrying about comments and how I should present myself all the time. I will emerge from it in a few days anew, with a fresh soul, smiling, changed and breathing as if I am living every moment fully. It’s like soul therapy. Try it.
19 May, 2023
