Feeling your grip on my neck again
Thought it would go away but instead
I try to read your mind every day
Jumping at every touch and glance
This is not my promised romance
Fights and arguments, no room for compliments
Anger and noise all in my head
Were your steps always so heavy?
Were your promises always so unsteady?
Our forever is scary
I was promised love and happiness after I marry
Gave my body and soul to you
Didn’t think twice bout what I was getting into
Is this what I deserve?
What does that even mean?
Oh sure I got some nerve,
to question you and your love for me
You brought no light at all
I set sail in the middle of a storm
I resist the inevitable drown
But the captain with the ship must always go down
Our forever is scary
I promised you joy and laughter after we marry
Gave your body and soul to me
But that was a lie cause you can never trust me
Our forever is scary
The witnesses were blind to the act that you carry
Wasted too much sweat and blood.
Darling, it’s until death do us part
I wrote this poem for every woman I grew up with who was abused and thought it was normal for a significant other to behave this way. I wrote this in my room at about sixteen years old, I think, imagining myself in their shoes. There were many phone calls I was unintentionally listening to from the other room, so many times when my brother and I pretended nothing was up while casually carrying on with our game. People told us that it shouldn’t concern us what unfolds in our parents’ relationship. Other family members viewed us not as the victims, but as ungrateful kids who stick their noses into grown-up business.
After all, this kind of stuff was normal in our family for generations. Marriage was inevitable and if you somehow escaped it, you were a selfish, unfulfilled person with no purpose but to be a burden. Our family members disguised marriage not as a fairytale but rather an unfortunate reality we all have to go through, especially women. If you managed to find a decent and kind man then you were considered lucky, but if not then “boys will be boys.”
I think I wrote this poem to showcase the true colors of marriage or at least how my parents shaped my image of marriage throughout the years. Fast forward to this day, I am of the belief that it is important to teach young children to be fair and equal. Relationships in general aren’t just black and white because people are not just black and white. In spite of what notions we grew up with (a man always needs to have the upper hand, a woman must always obey her husband, a man needs to be the pillar in a relationship and so on) people’s needs and ideals differ.
Certain “roles” in a relationship aren’t limited to someone’s gender. Marriage in itself shouldn’t be a limitation but rather a liberation for people who desire stability in life. The way we love and let ourselves be loved is deeply connected to the image our parents subconsciously created in our heads. That’s why recognising generational trauma and abuse is essential. The children of today are the adults of tomorrow. They should learn early on that putting the work into a relationship doesn’t have to be in vain. Internalized misogyny and double standards exist in both men and women. It’s important to recognise this so young men learn not to internalize their emotions and express them in violent ways, and young women are raised not to mistake abuse for love.
13 November, 2022
