Just as the Bible says that a beautiful gaze restores the heart of a king, so does an African proverb say that a beautiful woman is like a wine that gladdens the heart of the man who is her soulmate. Yet I forgot that another African proverb says that a foolish woman brings death into her marriage.
There was a Creator who, after creating everything, rested from his work, but then He saw that all creatures were happy except for man. So the Creator went back to work, this time to create woman, who is the ideal human being in terms of beauty, and more beautiful than any other creature on earth.
I grew up in a Christian family in the Democratic Republic of Congo, and my parents passed on their values to me, and so I have respect for women. That is why I love all my sisters, as well as all my brothers. I was an anxious boy. I didn’t socialize with girls in elementary school, but when I went to secondary school, I naturally began to socialize with and befriend girls. Influenced by youth, friends, social media, and television, I learned to love, and I discovered that I was a lover who loved with all his heart.
I saw that in life there are people who are eager to know how to love, just because they are attracted by this or that feature in a woman. According to certain cultures and customs among the Bantus, there are those who say that a woman is made for the home and for bearing children, and that’s why it’s so easy for them to get married and go out and find other women on the street, or even marry more than one woman. For them what counts is outward appearances; they don’t seek to know the inner life of a woman. In my youth, I fell into the same trap: I did not seek to discover and know a woman’s qualities and faults to understand her better.
When I was young I met a beautiful woman. Her height, her innocent look, her smile, her body: everything about her was beautiful. To me, she was a morning flower that never wilts. At the time I didn’t even ascertain whether she was a true believer or merely religious – that she identified as religious was enough for me to trust her. And she was so glamorous that I, as a young lover, didn’t want to waste any time, since there might be someone else who wanted to have her. That’s what I was afraid of!
After a few months, I saw my mother and told her the good news. Then I told all my family and friends. Outside of work, I spent most of my time with her. I had started my own small business, and things were going well. I could buy her anything, whatever she desired. Everyone in my neighborhood could see that we were lovers. One day my mum asked me, “Son, have you taken the time to get to know her well?”
But I told her, “Mum, I love her. She’s beautiful and innocent, I’m going to marry her.”
All I could think was that I’d found an angel who was going to change my life and my future, because he who finds a wife, finds happiness, as it says in Proverbs 18:22.
I already considered myself the happiest man in the world and my heart beat faster when I thought about taking her in my arms and starting a big family with her. I had ambitious plans for us, and I thought that I knew everything about love and life. I was proud of my successful business, and I was ready to spend my money on her.
I invited the whole family to my dream wedding, because I wanted them all to be a part of it, and my heart was a tapestry of flowers sewn together from my love for this woman. Before the wedding, my mum asked me the same question again, “Son, have you gotten to know her better?
I told her again, “Mum, I love her, and I’m going to marry her.”
I didn’t know that behind this beauty was hidden a mysterious darkness that ravaged everything in its path.
My wedding was a glorious day in my life. I felt like I was flying, like I was in heaven. I dreamt that I would be with her day and night, that she would bring me happiness for the rest of our lives. It was a new beginning for the both of us; we were going to start a new life.
Now consider what happened afterwards: as the days went by, she wanted more and more gifts, more trips, more money, more outings. She asked for too much, and even if I did my utmost it was not enough. In the middle of this mess, I received a special gift from God: patience.
My love for her blinded me for so long because I couldn’t see what was behind her beauty unless I trusted her. All I saw was a woman looking for more freedoms, reasons, and justifications in every discussion; it was always me who was to blame, despite all the sacrifices I made to make our marriage work. I was patient, but she was already infatuated with richer men who only wanted to play with her because of her beauty. But I realized that too late.
Every discussion went nowhere. It was my fault if we didn’t have enough money to buy what she wanted. Why couldn’t we go on trips like everyone else? She wanted to eat at restaurants every day. It was my fault that there wasn’t enough money to do that, but she didn’t want to work or look for a job! She only wanted to spend money. I asked several men of God to pray for us, but things only got worse and worse. She destroyed our marriage and everything we’d built together, and I discovered that there are eternally dissatisfied women who quickly forget yesterday’s satisfaction in their pursuit of today’s, without realizing all the sacrifices their partner has made to make them happy! Confident in their beauty, they’ve become the playthings of rich men who simply want to pass the time, and many women don’t even realize it because everything has become a business.
And I remembered what Mom said to me: Did you take the time to get to know her well enough? The answer is: No! I didn’t. I was in another world, blinded by my first love. I didn’t take the time to get to know her better, and I suffered the consequences. Today, I’ve come to understand that a woman’s beauty is not the extravagant outward adornment of long hair, jewels, clothes, and plastic surgery, but that beauty is hidden in the soul. A beautiful woman is capable, through her behavior and character, of positively transforming many things in a man and in others around her.
I suffered the disappointment of the blind man in love that I was; when I learned my lesson, I thought I was ready and strong, but it was an illusion because I hadn’t understood anything at all. I’ve gone through difficult, painful times, but they have passed, and today I am a man.
I’ve found someone with whom I’m in no hurry to get married, but ready to walk the road together to get to know each other better and build our love on a solid foundation. I’m grateful to have found her, and she’s already making me forget all the bad memories of my past love, day by day.
Thank you, Lord.
7 September, 2023
