The things they have never told us
Growing up, I would hear the statement “you will understand when you are older” a lot more times than I can possibly count. I did not understand what that meant. To me growing up became scary even before my time as an adult. I often wondered what it is exactly that they warned me about. I did not want to age, I wanted to remain my mother’s child. I did not even understand what being older meant. Being an adult means responsibilities you are never ready for. It is a scary side of the world without anyone to tell. Everyone is constantly fighting to make ends meets.
How would I know that I am now older? Did a bell ring to indicate that? Or maybe someone would tell me that I had reached an older age? These questions would run through my mind every day and I never really had the answers to them. Perhaps to answer all these questions. I would say destiny worked its way to perfection. A part of me does not wish things could be different. Somehow I am glad that this is the path that life chose for me. But I can not stop wondering where I would be if things were different. Life certainly answered all the questions I had in mind. The world has become so mean that no one has time to pass a simple good morning ,it has become colder. No one cared if I had eaten my breakfast like my mother used to do. I would walk in the streets of New York crying my lungs out and no one cared to ask if I was crying. I was drowning in pain and sorrow and my mother told me boldly that this was the new way of living. I had to find a way to survive. The world around me suddenly got busier or maybe it had always been like that and I was just too young and naive to notice anything.
Now that I’m grown, I’ve slowly come to terms that the world does not really care that you’re going through a bad day, no one wants to hear about the in-class you failed or the heartbreak that you are going through. You need to find a way to survive, survival of the fittest does not ascertain to the jungle only, it applies to the day to day life we live as humans.
There is no room for pity, there’s no room to cry and complain. You just have to find a way to survive.I crave the childhood happiness I used to have. I think of the morning when I woke up to the scent of freshly prepared porridge and milk. I cry when I think about the beautiful yet surreal stories that my father read to me every night before bed. No one tucks me into bed anymore, if I fall asleep on the couch I’m surely going to wake there,with a strained neck. No one wakes me , if I miss my alarm I am going to be late for work and my boss is going to be on my throat. If I don’t pay my rent I’m going to live in the dangerous streets of NewYork city.
Hard as it may seem, I can never stop imagining what the future holds for me. My own imagination excited me. A kiss on my cheek from my husband, my kids rushing to greet me after work, a day at the park with the kids whilst the husband is away with work. Becoming a CEO of my own cosmetics company! I have not stopped dreaming. I have not let go of all that I promised myself I would achieve. I make it a point to pass by the gucci store as I go to my evening cleaning job. I just stare at their handbags and drool in excitement of knowing that one day, may one day I will get into this shoe and make a cash payment of that $42000 golden brown shoe.
The things they never told me…the future seems exciting,still.
31 January, 2023
