Despite Mama Caritas busy schedule at Luxembourg international bank, she always reserved evenings for her children to tell stories, ask about their day, and answer their questions about school or life in general. One evening, her daughter Amal asked, “How come Aunt Bahati hasn’t joined her husband yet when we went to her wedding party last month?” She had heard that her wedding still needed two steps to be finalized, and she was confused.
“There’s still a long way to go,” Mama Caritas said.
“What do you mean?”
“You see, in our culture – in fact, in many African cultures – marriage is not only a union between a husband and a wife; it is rather two families gathering to unite. By the time all the stages are concluded, the two families have become one large family.”
“What do you mean by stages?” Amal asked.
“A marriage ceremony takes place in four stages, and each is significant. None can be skipped. You follow them through to the last step, and only then will you be declared husband and wife.”
“Tell me more, mother!”
“The first step is what we call fencing, or the introduction. The potential husband sends a delegation to the home of the girl he wishes to marry, to announce his family’s interest. The delegation includes the groom’s relatives, his uncle, and his brothers. By then, the girl has prepared her parents, who are expecting the special visitors. Usually they ask about the visitors before they arrive, where they come from, who they are. Relatives of the girl also come to receive the visitors.
“This ceremony is characterized by dialogue, chatting, getting to know each other in the lounge with all sorts of drinks being passed around, including the traditional drinks which people prefer for such occasions. Mind you, the lady and the potential husband are not present for those conversations. Neighbors are invited too, because this ceremony announces, in one way or another, that the lady is in love officially spoken for, and men who were eyeing her need to know that she is taken.
“Then time passes. The man and the lady talk between themselves about how to go about the next step. When they are ready, they prepare for the next step: asking for a hand in marriage. The groom again sends representatives, and the lady’s family and extended family receive them at their home. This ceremony is characterized by indirect, unclear, and playful language; the girl’s side will put on a lot of resistance, but in a teasing way, to make the ceremony enjoyable. The families talk about their ancestors and trace their lineage through names. This is to make sure that the lady and the groom are not blood relatives. If this stage is passed, the lady’s side may soften and agree to the groom’s family’s request. During this talk, the groom is present, but the lady waits outside the lounge. When her family agrees, she comes out and is presented to the groom.
“The third step is bride appreciation. It is a way of thanking the lady’s family for agreeing to give their daughter away to join another family and bear children who will carry that family’s name. The appreciation takes the form of money or cattle in old days from the groom’s side. There is no fixed amount. The families discuss it, the groom decides, and in the end the two families agree in harmony. This step comes with a ceremony where the appreciation token is given to the lady’s family in front of everyone. The token is usually used in prepare for the next step. This time, the bride and the groom are both present to witness the whole ceremony. This ceremony, which some cultures refer to as Ruracio, marks the traditional wedding.
“Is the wedding done now?” Amal asked curiously
“No yet. There is one more step, where the bride is welcomed into the new family. This ceremony is called to welcome. Her own family prepares provisions and gifts to bring to the new family. When this ceremony is finalized, the lady is to be called a wife, and she will use the name Mrs. from then on.
“And before this final step, the couple can also choose to legally officiate their union with the local authorities, so there you have another step!” Mother added. “This traditional wedding alone is also recognized under many laws as a customary marriage.”
“This sounds so long. How long can this process take?” Amal asked.
“Normally, a year and a half, sometimes two.”
“And do you find this normal?” Amal inquired calmly.
“It is very normal,” Mother said. “It teaches patience on both sides. As the families get to know each other, the bride and groom also take time to understand one another, and each other’s families, with their differences in cultures, perhaps. It grounds them. But today,” Mother went on, “young people don’t want to wait for that process. They find it takes too long and so they combine it all into a single day. I really miss the old days, when patience and understanding guided relationships. Today, everything is fast, even matters that require discernment. We are going through a Yahoo era. Everything is done in one click. We have lost the essence of that process and the values it holds.”
