It’s 8 o’clock Monday morning and I’ll call in about 30 minutes. Frfr. She may be excited to get my ring. Don’t do it is what a voice keeps telling me, but I gotta. Nah, I can’t. I’m too tired of the flat and lifeless operator’s voice saying my call was not accepted. Plus, she asked me to call at 10:30 tonight. Why so late? I’m so confused. Maybe she is more confused than me. Gooden, California. Beautiful lil mountain miner city. I’m hoping she’s enjoying her mother, brother, and brother-in-law. And the remains of her father.
I can’t help but think weird thoughts. Maybe they’re not so weird. I wonder, Was I the last one she talked to yesterday? Maybe I was. There are 24 hours in a day. Sometimes being the last of a long day feels like an honor. Like saving the best for last. Lots of times it feels like I’m the one she’s the least interested in. Come on now Joe, there are 24 hours in a day and she deliberately chose the last 30 minutes for you.
I know she’s an early riser, so from 4 am till 11 or 12 at night she’s only been with family? Maybe. But maybe not. Has she only talked to family? Definitely not likely. 24 long hours in a day. Jealousy is creeping up my spine like a cobra and injecting its pervasive poison in my heart.
It’s 10 o’clock in the morning here and I can’t call. I desperately want to. Too scared. I know she has secrets, and that makes it so easy for me to have a certain type of thoughts. Is she meeting the friend she once told me about? She knows I’m scared of the state of California. Her turf. 24 long hours in a day.
Joe, please shut the fuck up with your ungrateful ass, at least you get almost 30 minutes! I wonder if he gets more. Highly likely. She has many friends and even though she supposedly is back with her family I know friends were a part of her day. I wasn’t there yesterday. I’m not today. I wonder if he walked with her. Probably did. If he wasn’t present did she show him the view on FaceTime? I’m certain she shared with him. Does he know about me?
It’s 2 o’clock and I can’t take it. I gotta call. Fuck I’m ashamed of myself for having no restraint but mainly because she didn’t answer. I’m like 99% sure she’s been talking to him these last few days and it’s killing me. How much better a person he is. I can’t believe she would shut her friends out these past two just because she’s mad at me. Not her style.
I’m hurting ferociously. I’m hurting because I’ve missed too many happy hours. Way too many. She says she doesn’t care about the three-letter word but we both know that’s a lie. It is important. The fact that she won’t admit it’s important is scary.
I wanna pull all the skin off my body. I’m hurting so bad. She told me to remember the three things. One: she loves me. Two: she wants me to come to her when I get out. Three: she wants me to get out as soon as possible. I try to but I can only think the worst for now. Maybe this is why she says she knows I’m gonna be doing whatever when I get out because of what I think she’s doing now. Am I gonna get revenge, get back, or play tic for tac. Her excuse is airtight and simple as fuck. We are not committed. Maybe she thinks I’m holding her hostage. This long distance shit sucks ass. We need to communicate better. Better means of communication. I swear I’m searching for a phone. They are on deck right now. Fuck it, let’s go all out. If I could, I would. It’s on her.
I want my girl back. 24 hours in a day. Outta sight means outta mind. The more he’s in your ear the more you’ll…… But wait, maybe she’s putting herself out there to be taken because she knows it’s bound to happen. It’s like the more a creditor credits the more chance he’s not gonna get paid. Her secrets allow me to think this freely and I’m thinking someone is stealing her away slowly but surely. And I don’t think it just started, because she was so quick to speak about her secret when I came forward.
I’m absolutely dying inside, although I try to hide it. I asked her not to tell me but if I guess it, don’t lie. I feel like I’ve guessed correctly and she is still not being honest. I must be into S&M because I’m still interested and it’s hurting me. I’m not blaming her or accusing her of anything. I’m smart enough to know that with those three things she asked me to believe, things could still be going on.
It’s past 5 now and I can’t wait until 10:30. I wanna go back to sleep. She asked me to think about the person I’m trying to be and focus on just that. I gotta question. I must present myself in such a way that it looks like I haven’t thought of that? I must not be up to her standards because she’s asked me that twice, both times when she was upset with me.
Once she said to me that it seems as though we come from different worlds. I’m trying to see the world through her eyes.
I wanna tell her what I mean so please remind myself of this, I wanna tell her live. I’m so tired of hurting. That’s the S&M. I don’t wanna lose her but I think her secret is gonna hurt me to the core. I only hope I can recover. I’m so stupid and sometimes not attentive enough. Please believe that I’m changing and have changed a lot. I’ve come a long way before I met her and changed a lot since I’ve met her. I’ve been thinking about the person I wanna be and I’m not a finished product. Oh shit, it’s 10:35. I’m late!
