I had a problem, it took me time to accept and realize that. I was just too soft hearted, too pure, too innocent, and too stupid as well. I used to take things to my heart, even the tiniest bit of it. And I used to let everyone affect me, their words used to pinch me. Even the tone of their voices used to ruin my mood.
It was one day at school after classes when I was headed to the bathroom and had left my friends in the class doing discussion on a topic we were given in class. I needed to use my phone to check up on my mother as usual then I realized that I had left it in class. I went back to pick it up when I heard my friends talking about me. When I got there, they all kept quiet. And started ignoring me. This wasn’t the first or the second time I found them doing this.
”I am being ignored? Did I do anything wrong? Have they replaced me? Do I still matter to them? Why didn’t they invite me? Why did they go quiet when I suddenly entered the room?” These thoughts haunted my peace.
I was so fragile, I tell you. Despite all that, I was still a happy and funny person. But those thoughts always used to be there, lingering around my shadow. And it made me a bitter person. I cried those dry tears, I screamed those mute screams. And I just kept burning in my soul without telling anyone, without fighting anyone. I was just so, so kind.
So I decided to change, I realized that keeping my heart so pure will make me suffer so much. I stopped using my heart and started using my brain. I smiled from the outside, laughed from the outside but not from my heart. I was done using my heart. Feelings ruin my peace especially when I feel too much and for so many people. So I don’t give that power to people anymore.
”I know you, I talk to you but I don’t feel you, you can’t ruin my peace by saying mean things to me” I often said that to myself to remind me of who I am whenever I felt weak.
I know you will change, I know you will go back on your words, I know you will break your promises, so I act in self defense, I create my boundaries, I put a fence around my heart. You call that heartless, selfish, arrogant. But I don’t care, I know my reasons, I know the peace I am earning. I know that my nights are lighter now and there’s no burning regret in my life. So it’s good, let me save my heart and emotions for a rare soul. A soul as pure as I was before, until then, please call me heartless.
26 March, 2023